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“There are those who say too much family hinders, but it is only with such ballast that we can fly.”

Mei Fong, One Child


Recently, a childhood friend of mine found her entire birth family through a dna matching site. Across the world, maybe close to you, waiting for her for twenty-nine years was a mother, a father, and two siblings. Her mother makes videos for Douyin, her brother sent her money for food, her sister has been married once before, her father is a cook. They’ve let her in on secrets they keep from each other. They all look like her in some way. 

I wonder, are you also waiting?

I must admit I was never one of those kids that imagined a life for you. I have no long-held fantasy of what you might look like or what you like to do, but I’ve cried for you more times than I can count. More than anything I think now about how you must have felt bringing a human into a world that wasn’t ready. I wonder what you think happened to me. I wonder, if confronted, what versions of me you would actually want to know.

This renewed possibility of finding you in a sea of red has stretched my ability to see into the future. It has surfaced a sense of loyalty to you that stops me from regulating my bodily chemistry and replacing my hormones–it is a belief that I owe you the parts of myself that represent the sacrifices that were made. Even if I never find you, for now and as long as I can stand it, I will hold the space and version of this body out of reverence for a history much greater than myself, and as resistance to the erasure of the parts of my heritage I do understand.

Do you see the people dancing in the background? It’s my grandparents on their wedding day, about nine months before my mother is born. You can see them try to hide the baby clothes when they are opening gifts. They raised me. I hope you understand that I am meant to hold all of these feelings at once: the love for the family and security I know, and the confusion, grief, and reverence for the family and culture I lost. 

It’s been twenty-seven years since you last saw me, and to meet again is my greatest fear and deepest wish.

Someday, I hope to hold your hand in mine.